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I can't believe that I'm actually intimidated by a class.
Calc 2, fuck. On the first day of class my professor went through all of calc 1 in about 45 minutes and then jumped through the first section of Calc 2. Ever since then, all he’s been talking about is the group project and how it’s so difficult, we have to prepare 2 weeks in advance, do all the homework, memorize trig functions, memorize derivatives, blah, blah, blah. I’m so afraid this class is going to ruin my gpa, I’ve had straight A’s for the last 4 or 5 semesters and I feel like this class is going to break my streak. Everytime I go to class, I feel so depressed before and so relieved right after because then at least I won’t have to go back for another day. I think if I’m even going to have a shot at doing decently, I’d have to study twice as much as I did for calc 1. Fuck, even in calc 1, I really felt like all I did was study. Now I know it’s going to really be true, school and work, that’s my life. My life is so exciting.
I just wanted to grab him and tell him to go to school to make something out of himself.
I was sitting in my car at the parking lot of the grocery store when this boy that looked about 12 walked up to my window and said “tamales?” I immediately said no but right afterwards I felt bad and wished I had bought some just so I could help him out. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for him, pedaling his mom’s tamales in the parking lot of some grocery store to total strangers. He is a much stronger person than I am.
“I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star… I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be - and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth.”—
I’ve never been more motivated to get out of Long Beach. Going there has really shown me how sheltered I am, how I live in a little bubble, how much more there is out there. I can’t wait to get away.
Fall semester starts tomorrow, back to reality! I’m determined to get straight A’s for the rest of the time that I’m at lbcc. I know it’s a long shot and probably a pipe dream but I need to get a scholarship to go somewhere. I don’t think I could leave knowing that my parents would worry about how I’m going to support myself or pay for school and I wouldn’t want them to feel guilty that they couldn’t afford to pay for my education. I think getting a scholarship might be the only way for me to get out of here with a clear conscience.